Revenge Is A Dish Best Served With Pie
by MrsMargeryLovett
Summary: Sweeney Todd comes back to London to find that the whores are plentiful, the beggars are better and you acn't get enough fog. Welcome to the land of London!
1. Paul McKenna

_The usually happy place that you see called London is suddenly covered in dense fog. Around the same time, a ship comes out of the fog towards the docks of London. A guy called Sweeney Todd is on this ship, and as you will guess, his emotions control both the weather and later on, the song score. London does not realise this yet, and so are unaware that it should be sunny._

_Another guy on the ship is called Anthony Hope. Yes, queer name for a queer guy. And guess what? He's singing!_

Anthony: I have sailed the world and seen it's wonders! From the Dardanelles, to the mountains of Peru. But there's no place like-

Sweeney: (just entering) Look, if you're going to be singing that, I'm not sticking around for the rest of the movie.

Anthony: But Mr Todd! It's my favouritest song in the whole wide world!

Sweeney: That's not a word Anthony.

Anthony: (creates a swirling vortex of sickness through large, puppy eyes)

Sweeney: Look, shut up and let me brood.

Anthony: Are you going to sing Mr Todd?

Sweeney: No, Anthony.

Anthony: Pretty please, Mr Todd! Pretty, pretty please! Pretty please with sugar on top? Pretty please with chocolate, sugar, cherries and-

Sweeney: No.

_The two walk off the ship, still not noticing the large amount of fog._

Anthony: Mr Todd, are you alright?

Sweeney: Of course, Anthony, I'm perfectly fine. I've just been on a ship with you for the past few weeks with nothing to read but your self-help books, but I'm perfectly fine.

Anthony: I'm sensing negativity, Mr Todd. You know, Paul McKenna says-

Sweeney: I DON'T CARE WHAT PAUL MCKENNA SAID!

Anthony: Okay, I'm definitely sensing negativity.

Sweeney: If you really want to know, there is something wrong. I've just been stuck in prison for the past fifteen years, playing poker for my food, and only realising too late that we were playing with the jokers in the deck. I haven't seen my wife in years, and for all I know could be dead, or worse, fat. My daughter could have gone downhill as well, now being a hormonal sixteen year old girl. And to top it off, I've got to go meet my batty landlady to see if I can get my apartment back and my shiny razors.

Anthony: (pauses) Is this an appropriate time to ask if I can see you again, Mr Todd?

Sweeney: (rolls eyes) Of course, Anthony, any time is a good time to say that. In fact, if I don't see you in the next week, I'd absolutely die.

Anthony: Thanks Mr Todd!

_Anthony skips off into the distance, carrying a map he got from the McDonald's Happy Meal he got Sweeney to buy him._

Sweeney: I was being sarcastic. Now off to find my batty landlady!

_Welcome to the land of London! Prostitutes, beggars, more prostitutes, a bakery, a bakery, prostitutes, beggars…you get the idea. Again, we notice that the weather is controlled by Sweeney, therefore making him God. Suddenly, although five seconds have passed by, Sweeney somehow gets to the middle of London where Mrs Lovett's Pie Shop is. It's a pretty building, that should really have vultures swirling around the chimney._

Sweeney: Feels like home.

_A young man comes running from the shop, screaming._

Young Man: Evil! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil!

Sweeney: No, now it feels like home.

_Sweeney enters the shop to see Mrs Lovett beating the crap out of some dough._

Sweeney: Shit. Now it's home.

Mrs Lovett: Oh my! A customer! And one who looks strangely like my love of my life, Benjamin Barker! I'm not at all suspicious!

Sweeney: I LIKE GIN!!

Mrs Lovett: And they call me mad, deary.

Sweeney: I'm sorry, but I felt a song coming on, and I needed a distraction.

Mrs Lovett: Whatever. Eat one of my pies?

Sweeney: I don't know, I really think I should-

Mrs Lovett: Nonsense! Everyone should get pie! And seeing as I've never met you before, and I'm not in the least bit suspicious that you look like the love of my life, I'll give you this one for free!

Sweeney: But I don't want pie.

Mrs Lovett: (pushes Sweeney into a chair and places pie in his mouth) Isn't it lovely?

Sweeney: Mmmmf!

Mrs Lovett: Roughly translated, is that 'Yes, Mrs Lovett, your pies are so amazing that I feel like spontaneously having sex with you'?

Sweeney (swallows) No, roughly translated that was 'Where on earth did you get that pie from mid air and what the hell is it made out of?'

Mrs Lovett: Well, I always have a pie in my hand in case anyone runs away, and I my pies are made from cats.

Sweeney: I thought that was Mrs Mooney.

Mrs Lovett: She wishes.

_Silence_

Sweeney: Anyway, what happened to my wife?

Mrs Lovett: What?

Sweeney: What happened to Lucy?

Mrs Lovett: Excuse me?

Sweeney: What happened to the pretty girl who used to live here?

Mrs Lovett: Well, before I say, I want to declare that I am still not in the least suspicious. Anyway, a long time ago, there was this really hot barber and this blonde. There was also this Judge with tight pants-

Sweeney: Why is that important?

Mrs Lovett: It's worth mentioning. Anyway, the tight panted Judge liked the blonde, instead of the much prettier barber or baker downstairs, and so he sent of the pretty barber to Australia.

Sweeney: When did you suddenly come into the story?

Mrs Lovett: Do you want a story or not?

Sweeney: Yes please.

Mrs Lovett: Good. Anyway, while the pretty barber was out in Australia, the tight panted Judge brought the blonde to his house and did the nasty.

Sweeney: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mrs Lovett: (sighs) Oh, you're one of those, right? Fine, they 'made love'.

Sweeney: Where's Lucy?

Mrs Lovett: OMG I just realised something! You're Benjamin Barker!

Sweeney: No duh.

Mrs Lovett: To answer your earlier question, she poisoned herself.

Sweeney: And Johanna?

Mrs Lovett: She's been taken in by Judge Turpin. And that's not the worst of it. I'm afraid your Johanna is…is…is…an emo.

Sweeney: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

_Next chapter, we see the shiny razors and just why Johanna is an…emo!_


	2. Emo Love

_We return to a very, very dull shop where Mrs Lovett is staring in awe at a completely frozen Sweeney Todd, who doesn't seem to have moved from his position of NOOOOOOOOOOing in the past several minutes._

Mrs Lovett: Uh, love, you've zoned out for a few minutes there. You know, Paul McKenna says that if that happens too much, then-

Sweeney: I DON'T CARE WHAT PAUL MCKENNA SAID!

Mrs Lovett: Geez, what's up with you?

_Evil Sweeney glare_

Mrs Lovett: Ah, right, the wife.

Sweeney: Fifteen years I've been sweating in that hell hole, dreaming of coming back to a family-

Mrs Lovett: (singing) I know something that'll cheer you up!

Sweeney: Nothing can cheer me up in my depressive, lonely state of-

_Mrs Lovett grabs Sweeney and drags him up to the attic where he used to live._

Sweeney: Stop touching me!

Mrs Lovett: Look! I kept a memorial of you under your floorboards! (rips off a floorboard and reveals a box of shiny razors) I kept your shinies!

Sweeney: MY SHINIES! Oh, shiny razors, I luff you so much!

Mrs Lovett: Humph. You've never said that to me!

Sweeney: Billy-bob! Gretel! I thought I'd never see you again!

Mrs Lovett: So you knew you'd see me again? Oh, my love!

Sweeney: Can't you see I'm having an intimate moment with my shinies, Mrs Lovett? My bestest friends in the whole world!

Mrs Lovett: Fine then, have your moment. Just ignore me, I'll be sniffing your hair.

Sweeney: And soon, my pretty shinies, you shall be dripping rubies! Well, not rubies, but shiny red stuff! Mwa ha ha ha ha!

Mrs Lovett: You know, Paul McKenna says that when you start talking to inanimate objects, you-

Sweeney: I DON'T CARE WHAT PAUL MCKENNA SAID!!

_We now travel to a far away place of London where the sun actually shines, and a young girl with pretty yellow hair sits stitching. That's right, we've guessed it. It's Johanna! Clap yourselves for figuring that one out. Anyway, pretty Johanna is cross stitching, although rarely looks at the needle and instead looks at her equally pretty birds, resulting in her jabbing herself with the needle._

Johanna: Ouch! Ah, blood. Sign of life. (sighs) Not that life is very much worth living here. All is so depressing and…pink.

Judge: (from behind the wall) Ah, my depressing little sex slave who does not realise she is a sex slave. I luffs you!

Johanna: You know, Green Finch, I am completely non-suspicious about the fact that Father keeps staring at me.

Judge: Why did she just call the bloody Linnet bird Green Finch?

_Anthony is walking through the streets that Johanna happens to live by. This is quite strange, as London seems to be a very big place, and what are the chances that Anthony, the dumbest kid this side of the western hemisphere, would be able to find Sweeney Todd's daughter before he did?_

Anthony: (reading the McDonald's map) This thing promised me a McDonalds! Where is the McDonalds?

Johanna: Oh my! Look at that young sailor! I have just renewed my lesbianism!

Anthony: AAAAAAAAAH! An emo! But she might know where the McDonalds is!

_Suddenly, a beggar woman enters! OMG It's the end of the world suddenly!_

Beggar: Alms! Alms!

Anthony: I thought they were pounds.

Beggar: Not for another few years. Now give me alms!

Anthony: You'll have to persuade me better than that.

Beggar: I'll give you magic beans!

Anthony: WOW! You must be some sort of witch! Tell me, oh powerful witch, what is that girl's name up there?

Beggar: That's Johanna, and the man peering through her wall is Judge Turpin.

Anthony: WOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!

Beggar: Can I have those alms now?

Anthony: I don't have nay. But you can have this McDonald's map.

Beggar: MCDONALDS!! (snatches map and runs)

Anthony: What about my beans? (looks up towards the window) Now I have no map, no job, and no where to go. I know! I shall fall in love with this emo! And then I'll feel her, steal her, and sniff her hair, all in that order!

Johanna: Green Finch, do you think that young girl down there is actually a boy? To be honest, I've absolutely lost the ability to tell the difference.

Green Finch: Why are you talking to me? I'm just a bird.

Judge: Man, did I pick the wrong girl to stalk. Wait, was she just talking about another young girl? I must find her!

_Judge runs downstairs to find Anthony walking about aimlessly._

Judge: Young girl, come with me!

Anthony: Woo hoo! Strangers!

_Anthony skips into the house after the Judge._

Judge: Jesus, you're a boy, aren't you?

Anthony: What else would I be, sir?

Judge: A girl.

Anthony: That's just silly. I'm a boy.

Judge: Yeah, well, as a boy, you must want to read my dirty books.

Anthony: You want me to clean them first?

Judge: No, I mean you must want to read my erotica.

Anthony: Is that some sort of ice cream?

Beadle: Can I beat him up yet?

Anthony: Where did you come from?

Beadle: I've been in the room the whole time.

Anthony: Oh…So, is it an ice cream?

Beadle: DIE PRETTY BOY!

_Beadle takes Anthony outside and beats the crap out of him, but graciously gives him back his self help books, which seem to break his back._

Anthony: I can see this is a bad time! I'll stalk your daughter tomorrow.

_Join in next chapter when we see Sweeney battle tight pants and little boys with schizophrenia._


	3. It Was The Transvestite

_The…happy couple, Mrs Lovett and Sweeney Todd, are walking through Dunstan's Market. Hey, is that another prostitute? Or a beggar? We move on._

Sweeney: I don't want to shop.

Mrs Lovett: For the fiftieth time, we're not shopping. We're going to avenge your fall in barber hood by getting you to beat this tight panted Italian barber, also gaining me a son and you a chance to kill the Judge.

Sweeney: You really thought this out, didn't you?

Mrs Lovett: Only up to the point where I manage to convince you to live by the sea.

Sweeney: Where I drown you?

Mrs Lovett: No, where we live together and make beautiful-

Sweeney: BEADLE!

_The Beadle is walking around the market , as a very odd coincidence._

Beadle: Oh look! A young child and her mother! A chance for pervertedness!

_As the Beadle skips off in the direction of young child and mother, Sweeney brandishes two razors no one knew he had and runs towards him._

Sweeney: DIE! DIE! Wait, I'm not moving! What is going on?!

Mrs Lovett: I've got your shirt.

Sweeney: I told you to stop touching me! Why do you keep touching me?!

Mrs Lovett: You can't go killing people in the middle of the streets. No one's supposed to know you're a murderer yet.

Sweeney: I haven't decided on being a murderer yet, only on killing two particular people.

Mrs Lovett: Look, this plotline's pretty screwed up at the moment, so just go with the flow, 'kay?

Sweeney: Fine. (Sweeney puts his razors back in his pockets, and the two walk along, unaware that all of the market is staring at them.)

Little boy: Mama, why is that man holding pointy things?

Mama: I don't know, dear, but stay away from the crazy man.

_All of a sudden, drumming sounds out through the market. A little boy wearing a Tarzan wig dyed yellow comes out banging a drum._

Toby: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? Do you wake every morning in shame and despair-

Sweeney: Off the stage!

Toby: I haven't finished!

Sweeney: BOOOOOOOOO!

Mrs Lovett: You can't boo the kid off.

Sweeney: I can! I am Sweeney Todd!

_A man in bright blue trousers jumps from behind a curtain that stands behind the stage. Somehow, this scene was almost too conveniently staged._

Pirelli: IIIIIIIIIIIII am Adolfo Pirelli the king of-

Sweeney: STOP SINGING!

Pirelli: You don't like my singing?

Sweeney: I had enough bloody singing on that ship!

_Flashback_

_Sweeney is sitting at the dinner table while 50 men march around him._

Men: Yo ho! Yo ho! A pirate's life for me!

Sweeney: YOU'RE NOT PIRATES!

Jack Sparrow: He's right, you know.

_End flashback_

Adolfo: I have no idea what you were just thinking about.

Sweeney: I don't care! I have just randomly decided I will beat you in a barbering game!

Mrs Lovett: That was my idea.

Sweeney: Let the battle commence!

Beadle: And I will judge!!

Sweeney: Who asked you, bitch?

Mrs Lovett: Let him do it. Who knows? Maybe you'll win, you go over to him and talk, he says that he'll come round for a shave and you go spasticated for a week or so.

Sweeney: There's an idea (rolls eyes). And now, shave!

_Sweeney prepares the guy he didn't see get on stage, who is actually a young girl/ Johnny Depp fanatic wearing male clothing. While Sweeney shaves the girl, Pirelli sings a little ditty as Toby acts as his shaving victim, as well as the strop holder. Talk about schizophrenia or what…_

Pirelli: I sing a high noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooote!

_While Pirelli hit's a ridiculously high note, Sweeney removes the unnecessary shaving foam from his young lady, revealing a cleanly shaven face._

Beadle: And the winner is…

Sweeney: Just say it!

Beadle: I'm pausing for dramatic effect.

Sweeney: Eugh.

Beadle: Todd!

_Mrs Lovett raises up her boom box, playing 'We Are The Champions' by Queen._

Pirelli: Damn! Now people will realise I'm not Italian!

Sweeney: We already knew that. Especially me. I know you're that little boy that used to hang around my shop, saying that it was his job, and that you used to stare at my pretty razors.

Pirelli: I have no idea what you're talking about. Just excuse me while I beat a child.

Sweeney: Be my guest.

_As Pirelli goes to beat up a young child, another young Johnny Depp fanatic comes along, dressed as a boy. You want to know where they're coming from? If you're reading this, it's probably because it was you._

_Young fan: I think that was, like, tooooooootally fantastic! I mean, when you shaved that guy, I was, like, wow!_

_Sweeney: Um…I'm just going to go seal a deal to kill someone, kay?_

_Young fan: Don't make me stand in your way. (As he walks away) I LOVE YOU!_

_Sweeney: Beadle! My old buddy, my old pal!_

_Beadle: Aren't you the one that called me a bitch?_

_Sweeney: No, that was the transvestite._

_Beadle: And therefore I love you all the more!_

_Sweeney: Uh, sure. In fact, you should come to mine and let me shave you._

_Beadle: By the end of the week. (skips off) Tra la la la la._

_Sweeney: And I thought that singing got annoying. Does anyone walk normally here?_

_Mrs Lovett: I don't suppose so. It's a musical._

_Sweeney: Aren't musicals supposed to be about…I dunno, love, happiness, marriage and stuff._

_Mrs Lovett: I'm working on it, but you don't seem to be cooperating._


	4. Pirelli's Bitch

_Oh my! It's Anthony! I'm sure we'll find an interesting story there!_

Anthony: I feeeeeeeeel you, Johaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanna! I feeeeeeeeel you!

Johanna: Reminds me of childhood lullabies. Father always did have a nice voice…

Judge: I am still completely oblivious.

Anthony: I'll steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal you, Johaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanna! I'll steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal you!

Johanna: He doesn't do much, does he?

Anthony: Sweetly buried in your yellow haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaair!

Johanna: That's just perverted now.

Judge: (humming) Sweetly buried in your yellow haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaair!

Johanna: This is becoming slightly aggravating. If I'm going to let this misguided and pathetic relationship move along, then I'm going to have to take the next step.

_She takes a kay that randomly is sitting beside her, and throws it out of the window. Anthony spots the shiny metal object, and picks it up._

Anthony: It's all so clear now! She wants me to steal her away, just like in my song! I'll be back tonight!

_Anthony runs off skipping._

Johanna: But I was just asking you to move in with me! Jesus, this is going to take a while.

Judge: I am still not at all suspicious.

_Now we return to the happy land of Sweeney's house. YAY!_

Mrs Lovett: Stop pacing about. The beadle said he'd be here at the end of the week, it's only Tuesday.

Sweeney: I have the razors, I say it's Friday.

Mrs Lovett: Easy now, hush love, hu-

Sweeney: Look, can't you sing anything but those annoying songs about patience.

Mrs Lovett: And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love yooooooooooooooooooooooooou, and I-

Sweeney: It was a rhetorical question.

Mrs Lovett: Isn't that the Italian transvestite and his bitch?

Sweeney: I think the term is child slave.

Mrs Lovett: Then isn't that the Italian transvestite and his child slave?

Sweeney: Ah, yes. Excuse me a moment, Mrs Lovett, while I spasticate slightly. OUT!

Mrs Lovett: Alright, alright.

Sweeney: (talking to his pointies) Now then my friends…now to your purpose…patience, enjo-

Mrs Lovett: (calling from steps) Wrong person!

Sweeney: Crap.

Pirelli: Ah, crap. Now there's a conversation worth having.

Sweeney: What do you want? You just interrupted my busy schedule of talking to inanimate objects. And before you say it, I do not care what Paul McKenna said about talking to inanimate objects.

Pirelli: How about-

Sweeney: Why are you here?

Pirelli: Because, after your comment after our competition, I did some contemplating, and I realised that you are…BENJAMIN BARKER!

Sweeney: But I told you that.

Pirelli: Let's just say you didn't, for suspense purposes.

Sweeney: Anyway, so you know I'm Benjamin Barker, although I clearly said he was dead. What you gonna do about it? Take half my earnings?

Pirelli: Well, I was just thinking about you selling me your landlady, but with half your earnings I could buy her myself!

Sweeney: Oh crap…Think, Sweeney, think. What would Benjamin Barker do at a time like this?

_Sweeney grabs his teapot and smashes it against Pirelli's head._

Pirelli: When would Benjamin Barker ever do this?

Sweeney: I'm Sweeney Todd, biatch!

_Hears Toby running up the stairs_

Sweeney: Uh oh! I'm going to need some help!

_Superman crashes through the ceiling._

Superman: Did someone call for help?

Sweeney: Uh, yeah. I need help disposing of this body.

Superman: Wouldn't that make us villains?

Sweeney: No, he was a transvestite.

Superman: I'm the only transvestite around here! (squishes body in a nearby trunk) Another job well done!

_Superman flies through the roof as Toby comes in._

Toby: WOW! Did you just see Superman?

Sweeney: No.

Toby: Well, anyway, I'm supposed to get Pirelli for a tailor session.

Sweeney: I would have thought he had enough tight pants.

Toby: Uh, sure, that's why he goes…

Sweeney: Well, he's not here.

Toby: Okay. I'll just wait for him here on this trunk with a hand sticking out of it.

Sweeney: How about going to get a pie off Mrs Lovett?

Toby: I'm still passing the last one.

Sweeney: How about asking for gin?

Toby: Gin?! I've now completely forgotten about the hand I'm sitting on! (skips out of the room down to Mrs Lovett)

Sweeney: Now to kill the transvestite. (opens trunk and grabs Pirelli)

Pirelli: You know, Paul McKenna says-

_Sweeney slits his throat slowly, smiling at the cool gargling sounds._

_Sweeney: What is it with London and Paul McKenna?_


	5. You Don't Understand Me, Mr Todd

_Another bright and foggy day in London. Well, the exact same day, to be appropriate. Jesus, does this plotline happen in a week or something? Anyway, Sweeney is wiping the blood off his razor._

Sweeney: Ah, my pretty pointies. Did that mean man spatter you with blood? Yes he did, yes he did.

_Enter Mrs Lovett_

Mrs Lovett: Did I hear someone gargle on their own blood up here? Because I think it's time Toby joined.

Sweeney: Kid getting on your nerves?

Mrs Lovett: Bloody thing's a little girl. Anyway, anyone been gargling on blood?

Sweeney: Sure (nods towards trunk)

Mrs Lovett: Oh my, a hand. I can't fathom what's in there. (looks inside) Oh, a dead body. (sarcastically) Eek.

Sweeney: It's a dead body, why aren't you scared?

Mrs Lovett: Love, I work with those things some would call pies. A dead body ain't gonna scare me.

Sweeney: Too bad. There goes the 'shock to death' plan. Can you only be taken down by a gun or something.

Mrs Lovett: No, they haven't been invented yet.

Sweeney: Oh.

_Silence._

Mrs Lovett: Anyway, aren't you supposed to be looking outside the window for the Judge?

Sweeney: Good plan. (looks outside) OMG It's the Judge! Out again Mrs Lovett!

Mrs Lovett: Why do I never get to see the murders?

Sweeney: (looking at shirt) Great! Where did all this blood come from? (looks at trunk) Oh, yeah.

_Enter Judge_

Judge: What's with all the blood?

Sweeney: Looks like I need help.

_Enter Adam Sandler_

Adam: I know how to help! (brings out remote) This'll let you rewind and put a jacket on.

Sweeney: Uh, thanks.

_Screen goes fuzzy as time is reversed and Sweeney appears with a jacket on. Enter Judge again_

Judge: Wow, no blood. I'm impressed already by your barber shop.

Sweeney: How about you sit while I fantasize your death, and tell me about who it is you're getting a shave for.

Judge: Well, if you must know, it's my ward. Benjamin Barker's daughter. The Benjamin Barker I sent to prison. Boy, I'm glad you're not him, because I love gloating.

Sweeney: (eye twitching) Yes, of course. Now, let me ki- shave you.

Judge: Were you about to say kill?

Sweeney: Umm… (pauses time with Adam Sandler's remote and punches Judge in face several times) There we go.

Judge: Wow, that was like a train hit me.

Sweeney: Trains haven't been invented yet.

Judge: Right. Can we get on with the shave?

Sweeney: Sure thing. But while I do, do you mind me singing about Pretty Women?

Judge: Course.

Sweeney: Pretty Wome-

Anthony: (barging in) Mr Todd! Tim Burton cut out my scene again where Johanna said she'll run away with me! (sees Judge) Oh Lordy Jesus.

Judge: It's the sailor boy! He's stalking you too, Mr Todd?

Anthony: Actually, I'm stalking your daughter, not you, Judge.

Judge: That's even worse! I'm going to send her to a nuthouse now!

Anthony: (not paying attention) What?

_Judge storms out_

Anthony: OMG Where is he taking her Mr Todd?

Sweeney: Anthony, you just ruined my song. Do you really think I'm gonna help you?

Anthony: You don't understand me!


	6. Sexy Lingerie

_Mrs Lovett appears on the scene after Anthony leaves crying, and cursing Tim Burton's name._

Mrs Lovett: What's all the fuss in here?

Sweeney: I had him! His throat was bare bene-

Anthony: (bursts in again) I forgot my jacket. (leaves)

Sweeney: Shit, another song ruined by that stupid sailor.

Mrs Lovett: Someone had to do it, love. Come downstairs, I'll get you some gin.

Sweeney: Yay!

_Two appear downstairs._

Mrs Lovett: There you go, drink that down. Now, what do you suppose we do with him upstairs?

Sweeney: I was thinking we go hypocritical. We could give him a funeral. Or even a party! He's dressed for it.

Mrs Lovett: I suppose there's an idea. But you know what would be a better idea?

Sweeney: What?

Mrs Lovett: Cooking him into pies.

Sweeney: Where did that come from?

Mrs Lovett: I was thinking about Mrs Mooney and her cat thing.

Sweeney: Well, how did you get people from cats?

Mrs Lovett: Just tell me you think it's a good idea, we'll dance, and then we'll think who we can make pies out of.

Sweeney: You've planned this out, haven't you?

Mrs Lovett: Not really. Sleeping with the director means you find out all the plot about one take early.

Sweeney: Okay.

_The two frolic a bit, and dance, and sing about tinkers, tailors, boxers, sailors, whatever you sing about._

Sweeney: Is that it?

Mrs Lovett: Yeah, just about. We cut to Johanna now.

_Johanna's house._

Johanna: (to tune of Little Baby Bumblebee) IIIIIIII'm packing up my sexy lingerie, won't Anthony be surprised with me…

Judge: (bursts in) Sexy lingerie?

Johanna: Ummmm…no, I said…drat, nothing rhymes with lingerie.

Judge: Does this mean what I think it means?

Johanna: Fine then! I admit it! I'm running away to have a ramped love life with a sailor boy.

Judge: Wow. I just thought you were working for Ann Summers or something.

Johanna: That would have made more sense.

Judge: But obviously, seeing as your new found libido matches mine, you must be insane! I'm sending you to an insane asylum.

Johanna: But I've been to school.

Judge: No, an insane asylum.

Johanna: Same thing, isn't it?

Judge: That joke alone is enough to get you into an insane asylum.

_I'm sorry this chapter took so long to be put up, but my internet crashed. I'm also sorry it's pitifully short._


	7. I Just Shaved My Legs!

_Ominous music is playing in the distance as Anthony walks down a street, all alone._

Anthony: (humming) I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my…

Sweeney: I'm afraid I'll have to cut him off there. Now for my part. And are you beautiful and pale, with ye-

Random Guy: I'm sorry, but the Children's Protection Agency forbids you from singing this love song.

Sweeney: How about killing these random guys?

Random Guy: (flicks through papers) No, that's fine. Carry on.

Sweeney: Thank you.

_Kills Random Guy_

Sweeney: Teach you to tell Sweeney Todd what to do. Now to carry on singing. I'd want you beautiful and pale, with ye-

Tim Burton: I'm sorry, Sweeney, we had to cut the song out. That guy took up too much of the time. We're going straight to God That's Good.

Sweeney: I WILL HAVE VENGEANCE!

Tim Burton: Hey, that song's been and gone. Get over it.

_Sudden God That's Good music starts, and little Toby is sent into the streets to attract customers_

Toby: Ladies and Gentlemen! (pulls trouser leg up, revealing a freshly shaven leg) Are you ready for a good time?

Mrs Lovett: Love, I don't make you do that no more. That was Pirelli.

Toby: Sorry, old habits never die. Who wants pie?

Audience: God That's Good!

_Back in Sweeney's barber shop, he notices the lack of customers_

Sweeney: This bloody pie business was supposed to bring me customers.

_Mrs Lovett enters, making the bell tinkle_

Sweeney: (eyes large and sparkly) A customer?

Mrs Lovett: That's my line.

Sweeney: (eyes small and dark) Oh.

Mrs Lovett: Just came up to check on you, love.

Sweeney: Mrs Lovett, can I ask you a question?

Mrs Lovett: (eyes large and sparkly) Is it will you marry me? No, it won't be that. Is it will you shag me?

Sweeney: No.

Mrs Lovett: (eyes still large and sparkly) Whatever it is, then, love.

Sweeney: That's just it. Why do you always call me 'love'?

Mrs Lovett: A girl can dream, can't she?

Sweeney: Mrs Lovett, you are a middle aged woman who still wears bunches and cooks people into pies. We're past the stage of dreaming.

Mrs Lovett: Fantasize?

Sweeney: No.

Mrs Lovett: Project fantastical images through my mind?

Sweeney: Maybe. I'm far too grumpy to really care now, Mrs Lovett.

_Anthony barges in…again_

Anthony: Mr Todd! I found Johanna!

Sweeney: Anthony, if you'd bothered with the script, you'd know that we already know she's in the mad house.

Anthony: Oh. (pause) She's in a mad house!

Sweeney: I have just thought of a fantastic idea! You shall become a wig maker to get her!

Anthony: Yay! …What?

Sweeney: You'll go and ask for some of her hair and then steal her.

Anthony: Like in the pretty song!

Sweeney: Sure, kid. Tell me, what colour hair does she have?

Anthony: (dreamily) Yellow.

Sweeney: Awe. That ain't gonna cut it. It's blonde.

Anthony: Oooh, I used to be blonde.

Sweeney: That explains a lot. Now go.

Anthony: (skipping) Yay!

Mrs Lovett: See, love? You'll get her back soon enough. We'll be a big, happy family.

Sweeney: Since when did you feel like having a daughter?

Mrs Lovett: Since I found out that Toby's legs don't bring in enough customers.

_I promise I am not prejudice about blondes during this chapter- I was one too! Simply joke._


	8. I Believed In You, Man

_In the madhouse, Johanna is looking around her with a grin on her face._

Johanna: So, tell me, what are the meals like here?

Crazy Lady One: (screams)

Johanna: I'm making friends.

Foggs: Here we go, the blonde section.

Anthony: Oh my! It's full of blondes!

Foggs: Nothing gets past you, does it? Any of them take your fancy?

_Anthony looks around, then jumps_

Anthony: JoJo!

Johanna: Anthony!

Foggs: You know her? Again, explains a lot.

_Anthony pulls out his gun_

Anthony: Now let us go free, or I'll pull the trigger.

Foggs: Now, now, kid, there isn't a reason for such violence.

Anthony: No one calls me a kid but Mr Todd!

_Pulls trigger. Bubbles come out_

Anthony: Attack, my pretties! (runs out with Johanna)

_All mad people stare at each other for a second_

Crazy Lady One: How about we attack?

Rest of Crazy Ladies: Sure.

_Foggs disappears behind a large amount of screaming mad people who jump on top of him and ATTACK! Ah, we just love this sort of entertainment._

_Meanwhile, Sweeney is staring out of his window gloomily. Enter Toby_

Toby: I think Mrs Lovett said something about you wanting to kill me?

Sweeney: No, that's just the image I put in her mind. It's quite funny freaking her out.

Toby: Well, I'm fine with that. What is it you wanted?

Sweeney: I want you to send this letter to the Judge. Put this letter in his hand, and his hand only.

Toby:…That's it? Come on, Sweeney. You're a bloody murderer, and the only job you can think of is a stupid letter?

Sweeney: At least I'm making something of my life.

Toby: Forget about it. (walks to the door, places a hand on the wooden frame, and half turns his head before leaving) I thought I could believe in you, man. (leaves)

Sweeney: (shocked at first, but then moody) Mrs Lovett lets that boy watch too many soap operas…

Mrs Lovett: (shouting from downstairs) What else am I supposed to let him watch while you're bloody murdering people?!

Sweeney: True, but my busy schedule of killing people means I don't have the time to care.

_Silence_

Sweeney: That told her.

_Next chapter will be much longer, as it is the last I didn't want to get into the middle of the final scene or something_


	9. Accountants

_Anthony appears suddenly, dragging Johanna into Sweeney's room dressed as a man_

Anthony: Mr Todd?

Johanna: Anthony, tell me again, why am I dressed like this?

Anthony: Because it's cool. We're like brothers or something! Or not, cos, you know, that'd be creepy seeing as I planned to steal, feel and smell you all at the same time.

Johanna: Oh, because I thought it was some sort of plan to make me seem like a sailor rather than the Johanna that Judge Turpin is looking for.

Anthony: (blinks, then laughs) You're funny. Anyway, I'm going to get us a coach. Wait here.

Johanna: You didn't get a coach already?!

_Silence. Johanna is left to wander around the flat by herself, until some shiny object catch her notice on the desk_

Johanna: Oooh, pointy shiny objects!

_Like father, like daughter_

Beggar Woman: (calling) Beadle! Beadle!

Johanna: (suddenly dark eyed) I hear…mad people. Quick, to the trunk!

_As Johanna jumps into the trunk she instinctively knew was there, the beggar woman comes along_

Beggar Woman: I could have sworn I heard my estranged daughter in here. Oh well. I'm just gonna sing randomly about dumplings.

_Enter Sweeney_

Sweeney: Not in my house, biatch!

Beggar Woman: Oh my! It's my husband, Benjamin Barker!

Sweeney: Great, you're in cahoots with that Pirelli, aren't you?

Beggar Woman: No, really, I'm your wife, Lucy.

Sweeney: You blackmailing ho! (slits her throat) There's a job well done.

Judge: I'm heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere!

Sweeney: Oh yeah. Well, I just wanted to say that my neighbour has Johanna downstairs, who has seen the error of her ways and really wants to shag you.

Judge: Really?

Sweeney: No, I'm just lulling you into a false sense of security so I can kill you.

Judge: Well, it's working. Let's sing about pretty women, shall we?

Sweeney: Whatever makes you comfy, as long as I can shave you.

Judge: Why not? Pretty Women! How we love Pretty Wome-

Sweeney: Can I stop you there? There's just a tiny detail I forgot to put in.

Judge: What's that?

Sweeney: I'm Benjamin Barker, the guy whose wife you raped and who you sent to Australia.

Judge: Oh…Shit.

_Sweeney murders the Judge cleanly and hastily…_

_Okay, you know I'm joking there. The Judge goes out with no dignity whatsoever while Sweeney bathes for what may be the first time in months, but this time in blood. This is the part where most women swoon most though as you realise it does not matter that Sweeney is covered in blood- he still has cool hair and looks like Johnny Depp_

Sweeney: That was relaxing.

_Mrs Lovett screams downstairs_

Mrs Lovett: Die, in God's name, die!

Sweeney: Mrs Lovett, those rats won't die if you scream at them.

Mrs Lovett: It's the Judge, doofus.

Sweeney: DIE!

Mrs Lovett: Well, he's dead now. No thanks to you.

Sweeney: Look, this is a very emotional time for me. I can't deal with everyone's problems. (pauses, watching Mrs Lovett drag a dead body) Here, let me help with that.

Mrs Lovett: No, no. I'm trying to hide this body from you, so please don't.

Sweeney: Why would you hide a body from me? I killed it. (chuckles) The only reason you'd have to hide it is if it were something like my wife, but the chances of that happening are like a zillion to one.

Mrs Lovett: Don't count on that.

Sweeney: (jumping at the sight of the body) OMG! That's Lucy! That beggar woman was right!

Mrs Lovett: I promise I didn't know a thing about it! Well, maybe I did. But it was for your own good! You needed to shag me for your own health, and this was the only way possible!

Sweeney: (sigh) I'm sure it was, Mrs Lovett, but couldn't you have thought of a better way? Like an aphrodisiac, or showering once or twice? Lucy liked to shower.

Mrs Lovett: Why can't you love me as I am, Mr Todd?

Sweeney: You've been watching those soap operas as well, haven't you?

Mrs Lovett: You've gotta watch out for the kids.

Sweeney: Mrs Lovett, you're a bloody wonder-

Mrs Lovett: Cut the crap, let's make out.

_Mrs Lovett pounces upon Sweeney and kisses him passionately. Sweeney, of course, is slightly frightened, but says nothing, his hand gripping a razor. He keeps his cool, until…_

Mrs Lovett: You know, we could make a nice little house by ourselves. Can you imagine it? Toby watching his soaps, me reading my Austen novels, you reading those Paul McKenna books I bought for you.

Sweeney: How many times must I say it, Mrs Lovett?

_Sweeney stands and dances with Mrs Lovett_

Sweeney: I…(closer to the oven) don't… (next to the oven now) like… (throws her in, smiling at the screams as he locks the door) Paul McKenna. Now that that's done, I'm going to hug my dead wife that I killed.

Toby: (suddenly appearing) Not on my watch! I have a razor, and I'm not afraid to use it!

Sweeney: Jesus, I forgot him.

Toby: I thought I could trust you, man, but then you kill my mother. Who, I think, was pregnant with your child!

Sweeney: Those damn soaps…

Toby: And now it's time that we had a little payback. For months I've put up with you, taking all those sexually abusive hints and-

Sweeney: I haven't even said anything to you since yesterday.

Toby: That's it! I can't take it any more. (slits wrists with razor and drops dead)

_Sweeney blinks twice, then scowls_

Sweeney: Is this Sweeney Todd or Hamlet? Well, if you can't beat them…any more, then you might as well join them.

_Sweeney takes his razor and slits his own throat in a suicidal attempt at being part of the gang. Sadly, it doesn't work, as he never practised slitting his own throat enough times, therefore only managed to cut the skin._

_Sweeney then lived a full and healthy- if somewhat depressing- life as an accountant._

_Well, what else would you expect from an ex-murderer?_

_That's the end of this fanfic. I'm about to start a more serious one (thank God!) about life if Johanna had been found by Sweeney. I promise it's not going to be corny! I swear!_


End file.
